My Existence

Over the years I learned early on I was the type of person who “wore their heart on their sleeve” as the expression says. Along with being a Empathy (for those that don’t know what that is, look it up. (There’s different types)

Very driven by my feelings and emotions. Which granted isn’t always a good thing, but it gave me a better understanding of empathy. Of putting myself in “the other person’s shoes” 

To know what it was like to be treated a certain way. The bad ways experienced and remembering how it felt taught me and made me understand that I’d never want to make another being feel like that. To this day I still can’t understand why another being would want to be like that in the first place to anyone. What do they get from it? What inside moves differently so they feel justified in whatever action? Without feeling guilty? I always heard growing up “You have a good heart and need to keep it.”

I’ve learned in my broken little existence in this world that statement couldn’t be more wrong. Granted it’s is the same world we grew up in, but having this “good heart “ has got me nowhere. The two things I prided myself on, especially in times like now when I have nothing else are pretty much useless. My loyalty and my heart have left me lost and misunderstood. Because of them, I’ve mostly only known what betrayal, dishonesty, abuse and being taken advantage of feels like. I’ve always been afraid of loosing those I give this “Good Heart” to. I keep hoping maybe someone someday will be afraid of loosing me. This world has grown cold. At times I wish I could be too, but then I wouldn’t be me. At my core no matter what those are two of the things that make me who I am. My unwavering loyalty “Dog Loyalty “ as I’ve it called. No matter what’s been done…I’ve just always been there for someone because I know what it’s like when no one has your back, to have no one that believes in you or doesn’t give up on you. I’ve and believed as long as you had that one person you could go on, and not give up. In relationships loyalty and this bleeding heart… because as long as I stayed that way maybe one day they’d change and not hurt me, cheat on me or decide I was what they wanted too and I was enough or good enough for them. They’d eventually fear loosing me just as I did them Wondering how another person could tell you they love you then turn around and rip your heart out by cheating on you with someone else or lie straight to your face in a talk even though you already knew the answer. And feel no guilt or remorse for whatever happened.

 I find myself asking more and more: why am I still here? What purpose in this fucked up little ant farm experiment do I actually serve? Or maybe my life is just a cruel joke of entertainment for the being who created the ant farm. 

Another cruel joke and irony in my sad little world… finally finding most of what you looked for in a person since you began being in relationships, wanting them so badly it hurts. Not just sex, but wanting them to not seem like they’re of affection: Physical or expressing it. To not feel like they’re a holding back on you or you keep waiting for the “other shoe to drop” so to speak. 

I’ve come to believe in the saying “If something sounds or seems to good to be true it usually is.” Considering how my life has gone. It’s also led me to not trust people. Because honestly I do believe the biggest monsters out there are People.